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Self Compassion

1/26/2015

17 Comments

 
Do you know what you are?
You are a manuscript of divine letter
you are a mirror reflecting a noble face
The universe is not outside of you
Look inside yourself
Everything that you want
You are already that

- Rumi, A Sufi Mystic

***

In the summer of 2014, in response to pain and swelling in my leg, I got a CT scan. This scan showed a blood clot, and after additional tests, multiple clots, as well as a suspicious growth, were found in my lungs. Within a few weeks, the doctors confirmed, to my unimaginable horror, that the suspicious growth was a malignant tumor. I was diagnosed with lung cancer.

I have always lived a very healthy life. I am careful about what I eat, I exercise regularly, and I have never smoked a day in my life. In a recent study by John Hopkins University, I read that more than 65% of cancers are simply the result of ‘bad luck.’ I suppose I fall into this category.

Initially, the diagnosis shattered my world completely. The only thing I visualized was my own death; I kept seeing my dead body with my distraught family around. I frequently imagined myself in pain, on the hospital bed, tied up with tubes and instruments.

To help me sleep through my anxieties, my doctors prescribed me sleep aids, but they only made things worse, making me groggy throughout the day.

I realized that external means were not going to improve my psychological state. In the movie Shawshank Redemption, there is a dialogue, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” I had to take the former course and for that, introspection and coming to terms with my suffering was important. The main component of self-healing is accepting and moving past fear (as I shared in my previous posts), and this is only possible by cultivation of self-compassion. To accomplish this goal, I chose to lean on my spiritual tradition. To come to terms with the suffering and use it as a navigation tool, the first thing Indian tradition tells us that self-love (very different from narcissism or selfishness) is important for self-healing.

In the morning prayer of the Sikhs, the composer, Guru Nanak Dev Ji, says that righteous action is the offspring of compassion, which in turn stands on a solid ground of contentment.

Dhaul Dharam Daya ka Poot
Sri Guru Granth Sahib, Page 3 (Japji Sahib, Pauri 16)


In my opinion, expanding the concept to a personal level, it means that a life which aspires to an ideal union of the spiritual and the material cannot be realized without compassion. Such compassion cannot arise if one is tormented with his or her own suffering. In other words, suffering is discontent.

In one of his other compositions, Guru Nanak Dev Ji says that my psychological suffering has become a medicine (a source of understanding and self-compassion), while worldly comforts and attachments have become the cause of unease.

Dukh Daru Sukh Rog Bhaya
Sri Guru Granth Sahib, Page 46


This sentiment expressed here has become my anchor of faith, helping me see light through my brokenness.  Faith is made of two parts, the one is comfort and the other is courage. Comfort gives one hope and the courage gives one to accept the suffering and vulnerability through the process of self-compassion.

There is a fairy tale in which a beautiful maiden’s marriage was fixed by her mother to a vicious serpent. The girl was very scared and sought advice from a trusted old wise woman (somehow fairy tales never have old wise men) on how to deal with her husband on their wedding night. She was advised that she should put on ten dresses and upon asking for removal of her clothes by her serpent husband, she should put a condition that for every dress removed by her the serpent will shed one of his skins. The process went on and at the end the girl stood without any clothes and the serpent in a tormented raw state without any skins. Both of them stood very vulnerable and fearful. As per additional advice from the old woman, the young lady hugged and kissed the serpent and the serpent transformed himself into a beautiful prince. The moral of the story is that once we deal with our fears and vulnerabilities with compassion, the experience can be becomes positively transformative.

While it is important to be compassionate to others, we have to first look inward and accept and be compassionate toward ourselves. By not accepting the realities, one does not develop the courage to face it, and as a result, one becomes distraught and discontent. Self-compassion allow us to see ourselves and our circumstances clearly and honor our limitations.

For me, being compassionate towards myself and my circumstances has been difficult. My faith has been my support, and I continuously work to accept that both good and bad in life come from same spiritual source. When one is truly self-compassionate, suffering does not cause discontent, but rather is a state of being where it has a new meaning. In this state of heart which is filled with compassion, the divine, ageless wisdom is reflected and so are the answers to our sufferings which exist within all of us.

17 Comments
Sunindiya
1/26/2015 05:09:03 am

I think this is my favorite post so far, uncle. Well said. It shouldn't take such a significant event to make us remember this.

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parveen
1/26/2015 07:16:15 am

Pal Mama--I feel so blessed to be your niece. Your reflection, faith and outlook on life is so deep and inspirational. Thank you again for sharing--old (but really young) wise man :)

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Cecile
1/26/2015 12:11:21 pm

I appreciate your wisdom Ceil

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Dolly
1/26/2015 02:31:23 pm

May God always be with you feeling really inspired
By your wisdom God bless always

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Dipti Jaiswal
1/26/2015 07:20:04 pm

Hi Paul, this is so beautiful, I'm glad we met.
I love the line that says, once we deal with our fears and vulnerabilities with compassion, the experience can be becomes positively transformative.

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Sheena Khurana
1/27/2015 01:53:40 am

Pal Chacha, you have described so beautifully the stages that one goes through after such life changing events. You are such a positive person and even in this difficult time, you remain the source of inspiration and comfort for others. May waheguru bless you always. You are such a priceless treasure. We love you!!

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Janet Kimball
1/27/2015 06:47:49 am

Dear Paul,

Your post on self-compassion struck a chord. I especially loved the quote,"The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself. Everything that you want, you are already that." Rumi has stated this in other words, including : "What you seek is seeking you."

My parents brought me up to understand the importance of taking care of and helping others. As a result, I have always, throughout my life, placed others before myself. In addition, being compassionate and forgiving others are major lessons in Christianity. However, the Bible tells us to practice self-sacrifice rather than self-compassion. The Bible also tells us in Mark 12:31 to "Love your neighbor as yourself" but it does not, in my opinion, expound on how to"love yourself." Therefore, exploring self-compassion is new territory for me.

I have posted a quotation above my home work space which says,"Be there for others but do not leave yourself behind." I believe that being compassionate toward others creates the possibility for one to know and feel love for oneself/ have self-compassion. However, it is up to the individual (and necessary for one's well-being) to take the next step toward self-compassion through introspection which, hopefully, will allow us to come to the realization that we are worthy of the same love and concern that we give to others.

Paul, thank you again for sharing your thoughts. I agree with Sheena Khurana that we are so fortunate to have you as such a positive influence in our lives to impart wisdom and generate such soul-searching.

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Janet
2/8/2015 05:07:06 am

Dear Janet
I really appreciate your comments and generous sharing of your thoughts. Your statement about Christianity not dwelling on Self Compassion intrigued me. Based on my readings of Thomas Merton , Dorothy Day , I did not come to same conclusion. It is possible that Bible may not talk explicitly about it but it could be just a language issue. The saints and sages walking the path esposed by Jesus were compassionate beings who came to this path only through their passion and resulting self compassion.
In the blog Self Copmassion is not Self Indulgence I have quoted Apostle Paul which in my opinion points towards self compassion.
I would love to get your thoughts.
Thanks

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Janet Kimball
2/8/2015 08:33:18 am

Dear Paul,
I agree with you that The Bible does not explicitly address self-compassion. However, in your quote from Paul and in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul more than covers all aspects of love and compassion by defining what love is and what it is not." Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Isn't that what we would hope to achieve through self-compassion?

Learner
1/27/2015 02:52:31 pm

Powerful words by Rumi....and the same message delivered beautifully in a doha by Sant Kabir- Jaise til mein tel hain, jyu chakmak mein aag
Tera sai tujhme hai, tu jaag sake to jaag

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Harry Aurora
1/27/2015 04:28:15 pm

Dear Paul Veer ji ,

SSA , very encouraging and meaningful thoughts in this difficult time. There is so much to learn from Gurbani. You have done a great job explaining and simplifying the direct meaning. May God bless you with best of health.
Regards...Harry & Preeti.

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Narinder Pal S. PATHEJA
1/27/2015 08:58:54 pm

Beautiful thought. Beautiful wisdom. Very well worded. Paul Ji, I pray for your well being, and happiness.

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Joseph Cerulli
1/27/2015 10:40:09 pm

Paul ..

You have touched my life in so many ways. Meeting you when I was very young, you were and are an inspiration to me. The big brother I never had. You have influenced me personally and in business, to the point you can never imagine. Thank you for sharing this most personal time in your life. I look forward to many more, and I pray for your health and well being. Joe

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Rupa Chawla
2/2/2015 12:21:31 am

Thank you for your wonderful thoughts Pal Chacha. You have given a new meaning to life by your explainations. So simply quoted, and yet so deep. I pray for your good health Pal Chacha. We all love you.

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Karun Hriday Sharma link
2/19/2015 05:27:15 pm

Dear Bagga Ji,
I went through your posts, these are just superb. You have grown big in understanding spirituality. I remember those funny instances we were famous for creating in our LP lobby in Vishwakarma hostel. in 1974. We are hosting Holi Milan at IT BHU from 27Feb to 1st March and would be remembering your warmth.. Why not to join. Love & Hugs (English waala)

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Rochak Mehrotra
2/19/2015 10:14:04 pm

Helloooo Paul Uncle..

Aap to sahi mein Guru nikale..swayam mein hi jagrit karliya Guruji ko :)

Matlab kya likha hai..kya bolun main..
Bhagwan aapko aur Shakti Prem Swasth sabse bhar de..

Sahi main aisa lag raha hai yeh posts padhke ...ki jaise main apne Guruji ka gyan sun raha hun ek dusre roop mein...live..

Aur lo..abhi isi post pe mein comment karne aya to dekha Karun Uncle pehle hi pahuche huy hain..apni vishesh tippani karne..:)..Love his ways of expresssions too..

Aisa lag raha hai..sari tarein to judi hui hai..Mast Uncle..Maza agaya..

Chagaye aap..Home Run Sir..God Bless you..

Rochak (Original "Daddy's" Son :) )

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manjit nayar
5/2/2015 12:43:20 am

The Supreme lord the jot of ten gurus of Sikh religion , states "apnea karma ki gutt main kyaa jaanu, me kyaa jaanu Baba , 're." On routine every morning thanking Akaal purukh with the blessings of a new day to breath, enjoy and do the right karma , (such as , to help a needy, put a smile on someone's face, share and solace someone in there misery or difficult times help them heal out of , pray each day for someone'speedy recovery from their present health ordeals )are the right karmas and that should be the ones daily routine. That in return gets ones blessings for our selfbeing making us realize that someone else is also praying for us. It is a chain that we follow to do the righteous. As some one said "it is not that how long the life is but it is important that how much life is in each moment we live. Paul ji May waheguru ji bless u with immense health , happy peacefull life full of naamsimran. May he always be with u.

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    About Radiant Return

    I will be using this blog to share my thoughts on human nature, philosophy, and religion. 

    I hope you share your thoughts as well.

    Thanks,
    Paul
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